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Things I Learned from the film The Apple

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:22:22 GMT

So good news/bad news...

Good news: I don't have the Alien Dead and therefore won't have to see it

Bad news: I'm watching The Apple instead

Things I learned:

* Cocaine is a hell of a drug

Let me explain.

I have seen many awful films, spanning numerous genres and time periods. Now I have by no means seen every terrible movie there is, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the most ridiculously absurd film I will ever see in my entire life. The bar has been...risen?

Here is a brief list of the contents of this movie:

Glitter Beards
Glitter Moles
Canadians
The Devil
Hippies
Bedazzlers
Man-thongs
Sequins
Dancing Nuns
Chest hair
Splits
Pizzazz out the ass

If I had to describe this movie, I'd have to say it's a combination of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, The Fifth Element, From Justin to Kelly, Glitter, The Road Warrior, YMCA, The Devil's Advocate, Saturday Night Fever, The Polyphonic Spree, Alf, a high school production of Rent, 1984, Hairspray, Requiem For a Dream, Aladdin, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Woodstock, and your worst goddamn nightmare. Proceed with caution. My soul hurts.

Next Up: At the Earth's Core

Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074157/

BOO, Alice's Restaurant!

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 04:35:01 GMT

- I’m really glad the phrase “rode my thumb” didn’t catch on.

- I’m really sad the phrase “turkey raper” didn’t catch on.

- It’s hard to look cool with a kazoo in your mouth.

- If you’re trying to impress a guy, blowing your nose is not going to cut it.

- You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant – except a plot! Zing!

- Some people get all depressed when asked to cut a cake.

- Some people happen to dig botany.

- Apparently it’s custom to ring the bell after fornicating in a chapel.

- Hippies love them some motocross.

- A donkey is never an appropriate gift.

- Hippies aren’t big fans of the environment after all.

- The director of this movie got nominated for an Oscar.

Whatever you do, don’t watch this film. This isn’t a challenge. This isn’t a dare. This is the most boring film I have ever seen. It will hurt your soul. It might have given me a cold. I’m not sure yet.

Next Up: The Alien Dead

Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080346/

Things I Learned From the Film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:35:18 GMT

* The 8^th Dimension is basically a bunch of dancing Smeagols frolicking through a microscopic image of a hair sample.

* John Lithgow needs to brush his teeth.

* It’s hard to be wistful when thousands of bolts of electricity are shooting through your tongue.

* I hate the 80’s.

* “No matter where you go, there you are.” I expected more from RoboCop.

* Everyone carries a gun.

* I take it back. I love the 80’s, if only for the image of Jeff Goldblum in a cowboy outfit.

* Aliens spit bullets.

* Even amidst intergalactic warfare, the number #1 threat to society is the Soviet Union.

* You should always lock up your helicopter when you aren’t using it.

* Always trust Jamaicans.

* Jamaicans are aliens.

* Lord Whorfin hates blacks.

* Nothing beats a scene with John Lithgow, Christopher Lloyd, and Vincent Schiavelli trying to out-weird each other.

* “Character is what you are in the dark.” I expected more from the villain from Cliffhanger...but not at all, actually.

* Best not to scream before attacking – it gives your enemy a chance to fight back.

* Alien spaceships have parachutes.

* No, I hate the 80’s. Not even Jeff Goldblum in a cowboy outfit and eye-black can sway me.

Next up: Alice's Restaurant
Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice's_Restaurant_(film)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:47:20 GMT

This is by far the best bad movie I’ve seen in a while, at least in terms of acting, production, and story. In fact I’d go as far to say that I enjoyed it, which isn’t that hard to believe if you’ve seen any Vincent Price films. He’s a murderous lunatic and yet you root for him until the end. We're still talking about the movie, right?

The premise of the story is simple enough. Dr. Phibes (Price) seeks vengeance against the 9 doctors that unsuccessfully operated on his wife. Beyond this, each murder represents one of the 10 plagues on Egypt. In theory. This movie is basically a poor man’s Se7en on LSD.

Plague the First: Boils

One of the doctors is stung to death by bees. Unfortunately it wasn’t shown in the film – only mentioned – but something tells me it would have looked a lot like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmp-SRMwF3E

Plague the Second: Bats

Fruit bats, to be specific. Carnivorous…fruit bats. Did I mention I liked this movie? This scene is great because some of the fruit bats are obviously on strings. When the detectives show up, one of them somehow manages to leap on top of an armoire and investigate the top of it with a magnifying glass. Like I said, it’s a weird film.

Plague the Third: Frogs

Well, a frog mask. This victim attends a masquerade party and Dr. Phibes gives him a frog mask that continually gets tighter and tighter until he’s choked to death. Seems like a dark and ominous scene, until you see the one guy with a horse head mask on. He totally kills the mood. Words cannot describe how ridiculous it looks.

Plague the Fourth: Blood

This one was genuinely creepy. Dr. Phibes and his assistant Vulnavia (her actual name – more on her later) tie him down and drain all the blood from his body. Right before this happens though, the victim is in the middle of watching what can best be described as 1920’s porn. It’s basically a girl in a bikini handling a giant boa. Also, he’s watching this on a huge projector with a hand crank. It actually turns out being creepier than having all of his blood drained, which is commendable (?)

Plague the Fifth: Hail

This one is just plain dumb. The victim is being driven through the countryside (it's what eminent physicians do - don't question it) when they come across poor helpless Vulnavia on the side of the road, looking at her car. The driver gets out to help (dumb) and gets Vulcan Death Gripped by Dr. Phibes. Then they manage to install some sort of snow machine into the victims car, all while he’s sitting there confused (really dumb). Death by snowball onslaught is no way to go out.

Plague the Sixth: Rats on a Plane

Pretty self-explanatory. The victim goes out to fly his plane, but gets eaten by rats in the process and crashes. Bonus points to Dr. Phibes for getting a telescope to watch it all happen, and then getting up to applaud when the plane crashes. Awesome.

Plague the Seventh: Brass Unicorn Head

I’m no religion major, but I don’t remember this plague. I guess this counts as beasts, but come on. Anyway, one of the characters puts it better than I ever could when he says, “A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon. Words fail me gentlemen.” Too true.

Plague the Eighth: Locusts

Even considering the other murders, this is too much. Phibes and Vulnavia (I love typing her name) get a TON of Brussels sprouts and churn them into a sort of syrup. He somehow manages to pour this syrup all over this victim without waking her up, and then manages to get a ton of locusts to eat her (picked her dry, to be specific) without her waking up. Of course to start questioning the realism of the film at this point would just be absurd.

Plague the Ninth: Death of Firstborn

Why do the detectives and final doctor, who know that Phibes is going after him in a biblical way decide to leave the son all alone? Again, I shouldn’t question this film. Phibes manages to strap the boy down on an operating table, and puts the key that can free him inside him, near his heart. The victim has to operate on the boy and get the key within 6 minutes, or some acid Phibes had on hand would fall onto his face. Very Bond Villain-esque. Apparently Phibes’ wife lasted six minutes on the operating table, so naturally the son gets 6 minutes as well. Poetic, isn’t it? Well not to spoil anything, but the only one who gets acid in the face is Vulnavia. She’s by far my favorite character in this film. Her only line in the entire movie is “AHHHHHH!!!!” which is fitting because she is hit in the face with acid. She plays a white violin while all the victims are killed, and sometimes she orchestrates the animatronic band in the house, Dr. Phibes Clockwork Wizards. Did I mention that I liked this film?

Plague the Last: Darkness

Dr. Phibes actually takes his own life. He plays his last organ solo (phantom of the opera much?) and drains his blood (replacing it with embalming fluid) and lies down with his wife for all eternity. It’s a somewhat beautiful scene. Meanwhile, Vulvania takes an axe and completely destroys the house for no apparent reason, and then gets hit in the face with acid. Somewhat less beautiful, but thoroughly entertaining.

Like I said, I enjoyed this one. And apparently there’s a sequel, so I have that to look forward to, which is nice. And there’s a good chance that my firstborn will be named Vulnavia. I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.

Next Up: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8^th Dimension

Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Buckaroo_Banzai_Across_the_8th_Dimension

7 Haikus for 7 Grandmasters

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:34:35 GMT

Monkey style is hard

And surely not worth your time

Far too much shrieking

Always tip servants

Unless you want to be stabbed

Or jumped by ninjas

Grandmasters’ soundtrack

Taken from a musical

Called Oklahoma!

Their style is Pai Mei

It’s very similar to

Three Stooges Style

Grandmaster is strong

His hard work’s rewarded well

With piggy-back rides

Signs of a villain:

Kills your father, always wears

Wicker sombreros

The worst way to die:

Floating in the air, and then

POW! Right in the balls

Even a death-by-kick-to-crotch finale couldn't save this film. Also, I'm about 99% certain one of the characters said, "I reckon." The best line by far though is when the main character says "I drove off bandits...and killers...and the Japs!" and someone responds with "You're the most righteous man in this province."

Next up: The Abominable Dr. Phibes, starring Vincent Price
Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Abominable_Dr._Phibes

Things I Learned from the film Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 20:24:36 GMT

* You can literally make and distribute a movie about ANYTHING.

* Death Bed is a finicky eater.

* What do fried chicken, dirt, roses, bed sheets, apples, wine, and hookers have in common? They all bleed. Everything bleeds.

* Don’t have sex with demons. This one should be obvious.

* Don’t have sex in abandoned houses that are rumored to be haunted.

* If you watch your friend get eaten by a bed, you should not stick around.

* You are not helping your handless brother by tossing him down a hill.

* You are not helping your handless brother by using the bones in his hands as kindling. Or are you?

* Beds burp.

* You can tell when Death Bed is hungry because it will play slow techno music.

* Emo kids have been around for centuries. The reason this is not well known is because one of the first happened to be trapped inside a painting he made of Death Bed for all eternity.

* Read that last one again.

* Said emo kid, although confined to a small boxed-in area for all of eternity, apparently still managed to have access to black fingernail polish.

* The token minority isn’t always the first one to die in horror movies. This time she was fourth (not counting the flashback montage).

* This movie took five years to make. For reference, it took four years for Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and it took six years to construct the Dome of the Rock. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Death Bed is more important than the masterpiece of one of the greatest artists of the Italian Renaissance, but not quite as important as the oldest extant Islamic monument in the world.

Next up on the list: 7 Grandmasters
link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/7_Grandmasters

Introduction

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 20:03:39 GMT

Hello, friends and stalkers. Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.

The purpose of all of this is simple. I've taken on the daunting/absurd task of watching many many many bad movies. Here is where I will discuss them. It's a simple plan, but it will be better than the band Simple Plan. Think about it.